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Something I've held in for a long time

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gamesam100    0

I am describing my defining experiences at an EGC trade server.  Unless there is something explicitly prohibiting this type of post in the terms and services page I couldn't open, please don't ignore this as another pointless rant. This is an attempt to get closure on something that has haunted me for the last 5 years. I don't know where else to talk about this.


Around 5 years ago, near the beginning of my ventures into tf2, I checked a "top tf2 trading server" website and found the EGC US West server. The year before, I had "quit" tf2 and most of my server experience then was playing on a neonheights trade_plaza server. I liked this new server. There were a lot of people trading tf2 wares and everything was generally bustling and fun.  After a few days on going to this server, I saw a very assertive user lay down the rules.


At first, I liked her; she was firm and commandeering with the rules. She took control of the situation. There was even a time where I asked the server in-chat if I could pick up someone's shooting star and she told me I should pick up hers when she died in-game. I thought of her as a good person.


I knew she could be a little harsh at times by insulting players who didn't listen to her, but I never considered her to be too bad. However, there came a time where I was in the server (around my senior year of high school at this time) where she said something and I said something harmless, yet a bit childish. (It frustrates me to no end that I don't remember exactly what she said and what I typed, but think of it as if someone said, "...Now in this literary piece, they are obviously using figurative language as you can't literally hold someone's heart" and I replied "What if he's a surgeon?"). When I typed this, she said something along the lines of "There's always that one guy who makes that stupid remark". I know that it doesn't sound so bad, but it was something about her exact wording and the way she said it that really stung. It felt that she her intention was to humiliate me as much as possible without a second thought given to how I would feel and if that was her intention, she hit the right spot. Episodically during my life, I would feel the anger and humiliation of that moment. Episodes like these worsened two years later and nearly culminated in an incident of self-harm two years ago (I've since gotten help).


Another episode that got me riled up was when she told someone who was around middle school age that he was the reason his parents didn't love each other because he was engaging in light mic-spamming. Again, doesn't sound so bad, but I'm pretty sure whoever that player was went through/is going through a similar thing as I did, given that is seems to have upset him enough to stop mic-spamming.


I've thought about this for a long time now. "It was my fault for being so sensitive." "I need to let go so this doesn't eat up my thoughts." "Why can't I stop thinking about this ♥♥♥♥ing incident?" I've tried to claim psychological victories when her unusual taunts lost value or when she stopped being a EGC admin, but that lingering feeling has always stayed there.


In 8 out of the last 24 hours I tried to exorcise this feeling through a tactic that was obsessive and insane. I scoured the internet for anything collaborating the experiences I went through. I've gone through this forum, the ECG discord, and many a steam comment. And everyone's impression seems so positive. "Trusted admin"; "The best admin EGC has ever had"; "Someone make her head admin". Almost nothing about her negative side. I readily accept the fact that she can be the most respectable, interesting, and even nice person you'd ever meet, but that's only if you're following the rules she expects. Nobody seems to acknowledge that fact that she loses all semblance of decency once you break one. I get that admins have to be tough, but having someone in an rule-enforcing rule add insult to disciplinary injury feels like it's making it personal.


I know she's long gone, but I wanted to talk about my experiences and just hear what you guys have to think since you guys knew her and know the trade server experience better than the people I know in real life. Especially you LiMaaa. Even when you took her side, your decisions were respectful and logical. Even if this post is removed for being too irrelevant or inflammatory, I'd love to talk to you about it


Is how I feel about this unreasonable?

Do I not belong in trade servers?

What's her side on all this?

How should I get over this once and for all?


Edited by gamesam100

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KeRRR    739

Hi gamesam100,


I appreciate your post and it's nice to hear that we in someway had a positive impact on your TF2 experience, sorry that it turned out sour for you. Our goal is to provide a fun, safe and friendly environment for users to be able to express themselves, trade and have a good time. Unfortunately like anything, there are two sides to a coin, we have to be able to maintain this environment and that is not always easy. Our admins are trained to the best of our ability to help them understand different social needs, how to implement rules and how to communicate with other players effectively, but we are all human. Some people take on board our training and dramatically grow, others are ingrained with their own beliefs and it can steer from our directive. 


It seems like you got a bit of brunt that may not have been warranted, but you need to know that it doesn't need to define you. Said admin was removed from our staff due to several reasons that showed us they were not in a place anymore to put in the dedication and gentle approach it takes to moderating players in our community. We have tried our best to support them and train them, but unfortunately it just wasn't a productive fit anymore. Some people internalize things and others project them onto others, what's important to understand is that it's not your fault in regards to what happened and you don't need to be defined by it. Understand that people make mistakes and hurt others, but it is how you handle it and grow from the experience that will decide how you look back on this situation and what you take from it. 


You seem like a relatively smart guy and I hope this gives you some sense of closure on the subject, that you can understand that we all have our battles and we have to stay strong, be the bigger person and move on from it, process it and grow from the experience, bettering ourselves along the way. 


We have made some major changes around the community and our staff, we are currently re-branding and expanding the community. I hope you will stop by and visit us again, that this doesn't solidify your experience at EGC.


Kindest Regards,

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gamesam100    0

Thank you for your thoughtful response. That post was the first time I had ever written down my experiences in whole and I'm glad that someone was willing to listen and say something constructive. I also appreciate that you have respect for even the more sensitive users and have made efforts to make EGC a more friendly place, despite the challenges that must entail. You can expect me to stay on EGC for as long as I'm playing TF2 because I've never found an online community that made a point to be kind and gentle.

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