I am describing my defining experiences at an EGC trade server. Unless there is something explicitly prohibiting this type of post in the terms and services page I couldn't open, please don't ignore this as another pointless rant. This is an attempt to get closure on something that has haunted me for the last 5 years. I don't know where else to talk about this.
Around 5 years ago, near the beginning of my ventures into tf2, I checked a "top tf2 trading server" website and found the EGC US West server. The year before, I had "quit" tf2 and most of my server experience then was playing on a neonheights trade_plaza server. I liked this new server. There were a lot of people trading tf2 wares and everything was generally bustling and fun. After a few days on going to this server, I saw a very assertive user lay down the rules.
At first, I liked her; she was firm and commandeering with the rules. She took control of the situation. There was even a time where I asked the server in-chat if I could pick up someone's shooting star and she told me I should pick up hers when she died in-game. I thought of her as a good person.
I knew she could be a little harsh at times by insulting players who didn't listen to her, but I never considered her to be too bad. However, there came a time where I was in the server (around my senior year of high school at this time) where she said something and I said something harmless, yet a bit childish. (It frustrates me to no end that I don't remember exactly what she said and what I typed, but think of it as if someone said, "...Now in this literary piece, they are obviously using figurative language as you can't literally hold someone's heart" and I replied "What if he's a surgeon?"). When I typed this, she said something along the lines of "There's always that one guy who makes that stupid remark". I know that it doesn't sound so bad, but it was something about her exact wording and the way she said it that really stung. It felt that she her intention was to humiliate me as much as possible without a second thought given to how I would feel and if that was her intention, she hit the right spot. Episodically during my life, I would feel the anger and humiliation of that moment. Episodes like these worsened two years later and nearly culminated in an incident of self-harm two years ago (I've since gotten help).
Another episode that got me riled up was when she told someone who was around middle school age that he was the reason his parents didn't love each other because he was engaging in light mic-spamming. Again, doesn't sound so bad, but I'm pretty sure whoever that player was went through/is going through a similar thing as I did, given that is seems to have upset him enough to stop mic-spamming.
I've thought about this for a long time now. "It was my fault for being so sensitive." "I need to let go so this doesn't eat up my thoughts." "Why can't I stop thinking about this ♥♥♥♥ing incident?" I've tried to claim psychological victories when her unusual taunts lost value or when she stopped being a EGC admin, but that lingering feeling has always stayed there.
In 8 out of the last 24 hours I tried to exorcise this feeling through a tactic that was obsessive and insane. I scoured the internet for anything collaborating the experiences I went through. I've gone through this forum, the ECG discord, and many a steam comment. And everyone's impression seems so positive. "Trusted admin"; "The best admin EGC has ever had"; "Someone make her head admin". Almost nothing about her negative side. I readily accept the fact that she can be the most respectable, interesting, and even nice person you'd ever meet, but that's only if you're following the rules she expects. Nobody seems to acknowledge that fact that she loses all semblance of decency once you break one. I get that admins have to be tough, but having someone in an rule-enforcing rule add insult to disciplinary injury feels like it's making it personal.
I know she's long gone, but I wanted to talk about my experiences and just hear what you guys have to think since you guys knew her and know the trade server experience better than the people I know in real life. Especially you LiMaaa. Even when you took her side, your decisions were respectful and logical. Even if this post is removed for being too irrelevant or inflammatory, I'd love to talk to you about it
Is how I feel about this unreasonable?
Do I not belong in trade servers?
What's her side on all this?
How should I get over this once and for all?